Every once in a while, you meet someone who completely changes your life- who makes the world brighter, makes you laugh louder, and causes you to wonder how you got to this point in your life without them. Someone who shares your humor, your love of music, your passion for writing. And somewhere, between the all day, every day text messages, long phone calls, and eventually holding hands, you fall for them. Hard. So completely that it scares the absolute shit out of you.
That's what you are to me. There aren't enough words in the world to describe just how you make me feel, so I'll sum it up in one- ALIVE. Each love song that I hear I sing along to for you, and I take joy in knowing when you're thinking of me. Then, just like that, you're gone. In the blink of an eye my world went from the bold, bright colors that you painted it to dark and dull. I'm left with the memories, the questions, and your voice in my ears. No returned calls or texts. It's so surprising that I still have tears to cry, because they should have all run out by now. You asked me not to disappear, saying that this wasn't goodbye for us. If it isn't goodbye, what is it? And if you won't answer, all I have left to think is that it is goodbye- YOUR goodbye. You are in emotional overload. So many thoughts and feelings that you probably don't know what to do. I'm sure you're tired of crying, also. In my mind I always over analyze and assume the worst, and I'm thinking of all sorts of awful scenarios that would prevent you from replying. Now, every song of heartbreak and despair I sing along to. I'll wait. However long it takes to get you back, I'll wait. I don't care how many tears I have to cry. If there is any chance of a future for us, whenever you think the time is right, I'll be here because I know you care about me. I know that I matter. I refuse to let this be goodbye until you tell me you don't want me anymore. Wherever you go, Whatever you do I will be right here Waiting for you. Open my eyes, blink against the light
Through my window. I close em tight - another day without you Has come and gone. Pick up my phone, take a breath, Then I light up the screen. I should've known you wouldn't text; The pain washes over me. And I keep hoping for a call, praying for a sign, Are you missing me at all or do I even cross your mind? Wishing on a star that shines its light into my room; How long do I keep waiting for pieces of you? I miss your voice and every little way That you made me laugh. That was your choice.. I spend another day Holding the tears back. So here I sit, dunno what to do, Hoping you'll tell me everything. I'm an idiot.. You say you're hurting too; I don't know what to believe. And I keep hoping for a call, praying for a sign, Are you missing me at all or do I even cross your mind? Wishing on the star that shines its light into my room; How long do I keep waiting for pieces of you? The waiting game's exhausting, my patience grows thin, Lost in purgatory wondering if we'll speak again, My pillow's overflowing with the memories that I've bled And I go back to sleep just hoping for the pain to end.. And I keep hoping for a call, praying for a sign. Are you missing me at all or do I even cross your mind? Wishing on the star that shines its light into my room; How long do I keep waiting for pieces of you? I am calm, I'm prepared,
I stand steady as a tree, I am strong, never scared, I've learned to dance with the breeze. Love the rain, kiss the wind, Revel in a storm cloud's grace. I've felt pain, but then again There can't always be sunny days. I found you, I fell fast And your smile became my sky. Something true that would last, And I've never felt so high.. But tonight, no matter what we do There's no wrong or right, And I just can't be selfish this time So I'll leave it up to you. I can't scream, I won't fight I'll just turn out the lights And I'll cry, I'll cry, I'll cry. I will smile through the tears, Wait for you to make up your mind. For a while you were here, I guess it's time to say goodbye So my friend, this is it, And I'll mourn what we never were. In the end no one wins, All we're left with is the hurt. So tonight, no matter what we do There's no wrong or right. And I just can't be selfish this time So Ill leave it up to you I can't scream, I won't fight, I'll just turn out the lights And I'll cry, I'll cry, I'll cry... Cry for me, cry for you, Cry over that cloud of dust. I thought we were bulletproof- Look at everything we're giving up. I feel sick, something breaks, It's just the calm before the storm. Get a grip, stand up straight.. I don't belong to you anymore. And tonight.. Yeah, no matter what we do There's no wrong or right.. And baby, I just can't be selfish this time But heaven knows I want to. I won't scream, I can't fight, I'll just close my eyes And I'll cry, I'll cry, I'll cry.. And I'll cry. I don't know when I became so jaded,
I just know that I'm breaking down inside. The laughter and the memory's faded, But that won't end the battle in my mind. I'm missing what we never were, When you were all I'd think about, And now that everything's a blur I guess I'm slowly shutting down. Cause anyone I've ever needed needed out, It's not surprising that you've walked away. I guess it's all kinda funny now Cause I never expected you to stay. They say being broken lets the light in, But I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everything's so beautiful, then I'm alone again Ready or not. You can promise me the world, I'll believe you're being cruel But in the end, I won't be that girl That you've played for a fool. Cause anyone I've ever needed needed out, It's not surprising that you've walked away. I guess it's all kinda funny now, I never expected you to stay. Maybe someday I'll find someone Who can help clean up this mess. He'll say he won't cut and run, But I won't hold my breath.. Anyone I've ever needed needed out, I sit back and wait for them to leave. I'm convinced no one can love me now, It hurts less to watch you go than to believe. And anyone I've ever needed, needed out. It's not surprising that you've walked away. I guess it's all kinda funny now Cause I never expected you to stay anyway. Another tear trails down my cheek as I gaze at the cloud covered sky through my sliding door. Grey... Nothing but grey as far as I can see. Normally I would smile and embrace the lack of sunlight; today I am mourning.
Why? Why is it so much easier to believe the bad in ourselves as opposed to the good? Why can't we look past our flaws and our damaged pieces and celebrate the greatness that we hold within ourselves? Why is it easier to choose death than to choose to continue living? You are more loved than you know. Never think, even for a moment, that you have not touched the lives of others around you. The ripple effect is endless.. And when you're gone, you leave so many people mourning your absence and feeling guilty, thinking that maybe, just maybe, we could have done something if only we'd known how much you were truly hurting. The clouds continue their slow, lazy trek across the sky. Traffic from the freeway is as busy as ever, birds chirp in the distance and people carry on with their daily lives as though nothing has happened. We know differently. Many people are crying for you. For your family. For ourselves. Thoughts full of "what if" and "I wish" and "if only I'd known"s. Would it have changed anything? Would you still be here? You may not have realized that, while you were hurting, you were helping others heal. And we will remember. ❤❤ Rip Crawly. It's hard being vulnerable. To lay all your feelings on the line and give that one person the chance to rip your heart out and stomp on it while praying that they don't. To feel naked and exposed. It takes courage... So much courage to let someone in and trust that they won't hurt you as others have done in the past. To have faith that they will stay, as no one else has.
It's terrifying to realize that those feelings may not be returned. And, if they are returned, the other party may not know what to do with said feelings. Maybe there's too much going on in their life, maybe they aren't ready to make a commitment and are just wanting to go slowly and take each day as it comes... Maybe they're just as afraid as you are. Regardless of all these things, put yourself out there. We aren't promised tomorrow. All we can do is make today the best day we can and tell those we care about how much they mean to us. Thoughts circle and entwine in my head, driving me crazy, as I try to figure out whether there are feelings on your end or not. The echoes of previous conversations dance in my memories and I become dizzy. I'm trying to be patient... Waiting for a reply I know may never come. You said you thought you made it obvious- I'm screaming my feelings at you! Do you still care? When did you stop? A breeze blows through my window, rustling the blinds and causing a stray strand of hair to tickle my cheek. A few more hours pass; still nothing. I don't expect a reply anymore... I'm just saddened that my honesty ruined our friendship. I want your happiness above everything else... Even when I may not be a part of it. Have you ever had one of those days where you sit back, look at your life, and wonder how different it would be if you'd taken another path? If one small choice, one large decision would have led you down a road differently than the one you're currently lost on? And would it be better or worse? Would you smile the same, look at a sunset with the same kind of amazement and awe? Would you still be wondering? I'm questioning everything... Everything. I sit here on cold concrete, drinking my coffee and looking at the huge expanse of sky in the distance, reflecting on the past. I know it isn't good to dwell, as I don't. Every once in awhile, though, the memories play behind my eyes and I'm left feeling... Empty. Hollow. Fractured. Now, if you're reading this you know that I'm usually an upbeat person. Not much shakes my outward appearance, and I'm usually running calm and serene under the surface. On reflective days, I still seem calm. Instead of serenity, though, the undertow beneath the waters is surprising. You'd never know it if I didn't say something, didn't give an indication that such deep thoughts were battling in my head. Am I happy? Of course I am. I'm at peace with myself and the decisions I've made that have gotten me this far in my life. I've come to terms with things that I cannot change, things that I had no control over. Most days, my demons are buried. On the rare occasions that they aren't, I slay them again myself. The reflective mood will end. The dark waters will once again return to a steady, peaceful calm. The turbulent thoughts will subside and I will once again be fine. But for today, for this moment, I am lost. I am, and always have been, a firm believer that all things happen for a reason. We may not always see that reason right away or the reason may be an awful one, but everything works out the way it's supposed to in the end. From a sleepless night to a failed marriage, there is a new door that's opened after the previous is slammed shut and locked- we just need to look more closely for it. There is always a reason to smile, even in the worst situations. Look to your friends, your pets, your children and families. Count your blessings, and try your best to live each day with laughter in your heart and a clear conscience. Dig deeper- be someone else's ray of sunshine, just as they are yours. Every road that you've traveled down in the past has led you here. Each experience, every mistake. All the heartbreak, tears, sweat, blood, giggles, hopes and dreams- you are wiser now. You are stronger. You are bruised and scarred and beautiful. You will continue to make mistakes- meet them head on, and use them as learning tools. Remind yourself in difficult times that it WILL get better. Embrace the bad situations- relish them. These make us value the good so much more. Today is a beautiful day. There is so much good surrounding me that i am thankful for, so much love and hope. There are still rough waters ahead but I feel serene, at peace with myself. I look at all that I've been blessed with- my sons, who continue to amaze me every day. My family (and extended family <3), who I have always had nothing but an outpouring of love and support from. My friends- you guys really are so, so amazing. And a bouquet of purple daisies in a vase on my table. |
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